Nothing

The fifth edition of the Collins Concise Dictionary lives up to its name and succinctly defines ‘nothing’ as ‘no thing, not anything’. Frankly, I think whoever typed that in the dictionary should’ve just left it as a blank space: it would’ve been for the best, because the definition given in Mr. Fifth-edition-of-the-Collins-uber-Concise-Dictionary could possibly cause brain aneurysms or, at the very least, yelling of “Thank you, Captain Obvious!”

Apparently, yelling one’s gratitude to Captain Obvious, the unmasked hero of all things blatantly, explicitly overt, is not acceptable behaviour for when one is researching ‘nothing’ in the school library, and nor is having a brain aneurysm in the reference section. Both require messy lawsuits to cover them up, so, to avoid such catastrophes, it is probably recommended to follow normal procedure and disregard the dictionary definition in favor of making up your own.

But how can you define ‘nothing’? The word ‘nothing’ is a noun, which strongly suggests that it refers to something. But to what does it refer? What is this great, mysterious ‘nothing’ to which men allude when asked if anything’s wrong, and how is it the same ‘nothing’ that politicians give us, even though they promise not to? Is this the same ‘nothing’ that philosophers allegedly discuss, day in and day out, searching the answer to? How, then, is the answer to ‘nothing’ so often ‘nothing’? How is nothing an absence of something if so many things revolve around it?

One must not forget that a noun is a thing. Is ‘nothing’ a tangible object to be held, thrown, cherished, destroyed, trampled upon, drawn, written upon, drank, watched, sheltered under, worn, displayed in a glass case, or ridden upon?

Perhaps ‘nothing’ is invisible. Or perhaps ‘nothing’ does not even exist. When you’re sitting at a desk, picking listlessly at your nails or drawing little caricatures of the teacher in lieu of taking notes, and said teacher comes up behind you and booms in your ear, “What are you doing?”, you’re so relieved that he hasn’t seen the less-than-flattering picture you drew of him that you blurt out, “Nothing!”. But of course that isn’t true. Even if you deny all knowledge of your artwork or mini-manicure, even if you pretend you weren’t daydreaming, you’re still doing something. At this very moment, nobody is doing ‘nothing’, not even if they’re sitting perfectly still. You’re sitting in a chair at a desk – ‘sitting’ is a verb, which indicates action. You’re blinking and breathing, your fingernails are growing, and blood is pumping around your body. You’re listening to me… No, you’re not.

If you believe that ‘nothing’ does not exist, you’re perfectly entitled to your opinion. However, just because I cannot prove that ‘nothing’ exists doesn’t mean that it doesn’t. As Carl Sagan said, “Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.” Perhaps ‘nothing’ exists and nobody can see it. Or perhaps it exists and it’s here right now, right in front of me, and I just refuse to see it.

Personally, I believe that nothing exists and that it’s incredibly important.

In a way, nothing is more important than anything, because without ‘nothing’, there can’t be something. And without anything, what you’re left with is… Nothing. So what I figure is that nothing is everything.

But that’s just because I am possessed with the strong belief that you can’t have anything unless there is an antithesis to it. In order for there to be good, there must be evil, and vice versa. There is an anti-classroom just like this one somewhere in the wide unknown of the universe, filled with… Nothing.

But, again, how can it be filled with nothing if nothing is nothing? It’s not like nothing is a great foamy froth or a sparkling purple liquid. It cannot be canned, diced or dissected. But how, then, can this empty box have nothing in it? Similarly, how can my dear, nameless friend’s hollow head contain nothing?

To quote a song by McFly; ‘I’m feeling down and I hate the sound of Nothing; what\’s the point in hanging around for Nothing?’ This song is, by the way, aptly titled, “Nothing”. So, does nothing have a sound? What does the sound of nothing sound like? Is it a clang, a beep, a high-pitched scream? Or is it silence? But then again, what is silence? Is silence the absence of sound, or is it a sound in its own right?

We are, friends, countrymen, and Romans, faced with a paradox. How can nothing be something if you say it’s nothing? And how can nothing be nothing if you say it’s something?

Quite plainly, nothing could be anything at any given time, but, as I said, it’s nothing. Nothing is full of potential, yet it has none at all. Nothing could be anything… But it’s not. Nothing is both greater and less than anything in the known universe.

Nothing is what a poor man has, a rich man needs (apart from therapy, a BMW Z4, and a good supply of champagne), and a dead man eats. Yet nothing is what the Harry Potter movies are good for, what an emo feels on every day of his dark, shadowed life, and what is better than freshly baked choc-chip cookies, ‘cause they’re teh best evahhh. Nothing is greater than God, more evil than the devil (or my sisters), and more annoying than horrible grammar (and, come to think of it, David). Nothing is hotter than yours truly, smaller than Daniel Radcliffe, and more awesome than Matt Giraud, the should-have-been-winner-of-American-freakin-Idol.

Having said that, even if you disagree with me completely, I hope you have gained a greater understanding of nothing. Nothing is just… Great.

I was seriously contemplating bringing something in to share with you all, but there wasn’t anything I could bring except nothing. So I did. And maybe next time, I’ll give you some. Wait, I already did.

P.S – totally unrelated to this blog entry…Ashlee, you are the absolute BEST Nothing can fully describe how perfectly awesome you are!

2 comments May 28, 2009

Rindercella

I have decided to write a short story. But this is going to be different – because instead of writing it as me, I am going to write it as a 5 year old girl who is acting cute and adorable. The mispellings are deliberate. Thus, I now present to you…Rindercella!

1 comment May 26, 2009

Drive Camels, Not Cars

There are infinite reasons why a camel is a preferable mode of transportation to an automobile, mainly because they have thousands of uses other than just for transportation. Riding a camel is much less dangerous than driving a car, and also far less expensive. It is also a much better way to de-stress after a hard day’s work than fighting with rush hour traffic. They are very environmentally friendly and easy to maintain. After all, a camel is far more affectionate than a corvette.

Camels are extremely practical and efficient. Like I have said before, unlike vehicles, they can be used for many different things other than just taking us around from one place to another. For example, camel milk is very healthy; far more nutritious than that of a cow. It is lower in fat and lactose, and higher in potassium, iron, and Vitamin C. In some countries, camels are farmed almost exclusively for their nutritious milk, that is both delicious and healthy. Though it is a difficult and painstaking procedure, this milk can even be made into cheese. Camels shed their hair every spring and grow a new coat by autumn. This hair is very valuable and is used for making clothing, paintbrushes, and rugs. Additionally, camels are known to be very capable of living on little or no food or water over long periods of time. This means the camel will still be fine if its owner can’t afford to feed it until next payday. However, this is a very rare situation as the camel is a very inexpensive and easy form of transportation.They are far cheaper than cars, both to buy and maintain. One can purchase a camel for a fraction of the price of a new car, and they can live up to fifty years with very little depreciation in value. Instead of consuming expensive fuel, camels would be more than happy to graze on a small patch of grass, weeds, or some thorny twigs. In fact, a camel can also be a very economic replacement for a lawnmower. They do not require any regular maintenance. They don’t need oil changes. They don’t need winter tires. If a camel gets in a collision with another camel, both drivers and their animals will almost certainly remain unscathed. If, for some reason, one of the camels becomes a write-off, it can be sold for meat instead of being towed to a junkyard. Also, camels can be bred quite easily, so after the initial few purchases the owner will never have to worry about ever buying another camel. Any desirable traits can be carefully bred at a very low cost.

Camels have been a long-time friend of the ozone layer. Three thousand years before the birth of Christ, camels were an efficient and dependable mode of transportation. Any fumes they emit are harmless, and even their feces are an excellent fertilizer. There will never be any need for a hybrid, electric or solar-powered camel. Camels have never in any way contributed to global warming and will never begin to do so. They are also one of the safest vessels available for human transportation. One is not required to pass a test before driving a camel, nor is it enforced by law to wear a seatbelt while riding one. There are very few reported cases of road rage between drivers of camels, and it is more likely for a camel driver to wave cheerfully at other riders than make a rude gesture at a camel rider who has unfairly taken his right-of-way. There is no such thing as a camelback high-speed chase, and it would be very difficult for a robber to find a decent getaway camel. Automobiles come in a very distant second when compared to camels for overall usefulness, price economy, and safety. Camels are responsible for far less stress and grief on behalf of their owners than cars. They are simple, efficient and easy to maintain. They are friendly and affectionate, and can fit into virtually every parking space in any lot. Owners will never become jealous of their neighbours with the brand new red two-door sports camel with an eight cylinder five-point-seven liter engine, custom paint job and chrome detailing. There is no doubt; camels are truly the superior form of transportation.

2 comments May 23, 2009

Parlez-moi d’amour

I was watching a pretty old movie and there was this song in one of the scenes, and I realized – \’Hey! I\’ve heard this before!\’ Anyways, after about half an hour of searching, I finally tracked down who sang it, and I got the lyrics.

Here\’s the link.

And so I just had to go looking for other French songs that I have heard before. Songs by Edith Piaf. Of course, I was reading Jacek\’s blog and I saw his blast, which said \’Edith Piaf\’, which might have contributed to my quest to find those songs. Here are a few…

Autumn Leaves

La Foule

The second song makes me want to dance. The first song has me picturing myself in some French cafe sipping coffee and watching the world go past. But Parlez-moi d\’amour is probably my favorite French song ever.

Add a comment May 23, 2009

Puzzles

You stand at a fork in the road. Next to each of the two forks, there stands a guard. You know the following things: 1. One path leads to Paradise, the other to Death. From where you stand, you cannot distinguish between the two paths. Worse, once you start down a path, you cannot turn back. 2. One of the two guards always tells the truth. The other guard always lies. Unfortunately, it is impossible for you to distinguish between the two guards.
You have permission to ask one guard one question to ascertain which path leads to Paradise. Remember that you do not know which guard you\’re asking — the truth-teller or the liar — and that this single question determines whether you live or die. The question is: What one question asked of one guard guarantees that you are led onto the path to Paradise, regardless of which guard you happen to ask?

Answer: Shouldn\’t you have to die first to go to Paradise?

You\’re trapped in a room with no windows or doors. All there is is a table and a mirror. How do you escape the room?

Answer: This question is easy – I\’ve seen it in movies over and over again. You pick the table up and throw it into the mirror, which will shatter and reveal itself to be one of those trick windows they have in police interrogation with an open space on the other side.

What day is two days before the day after the day three days after the day before Tuesday?

Answer: Okay – this one got me. Check the calendar. Duh.

1 comment May 20, 2009

My New Favorite Music Band

No – this is not a C rated horror flick. And yes – the costumes are ridiculous.

I\’ll be totally honest – this is a very new band for me. I mean – I\’m a Lady GaGa fan. I like Jason Mraz. And Leona Lewis. And Flo Rida. I\’m more pop music than anything else. But this band is so ridiculous and yet make such catchy music that I might have inadvertantly become emo – that is, if this band is emo. I think it\’s rock. Monster rock. Yeah – you heard me.

Monster. Rock.

This is…Lordi.

Don\’t judge until you listen. It\’s so…catchy. And the lyrics are funny. The whole image is so totally ridiculous that listening to them is like going to a Haunted House at a funfair.

The lyrics…

1 comment May 18, 2009

Libertarianism

This promises to be a unique entry in that what I am about to write about is very deep and might not be completely understandable. To be completely honest with you – I don\’t even understand it myself.

I was at a party on Friday with my sister (which sucks because if I make out with someone(s), she can use that as ammunition in the eternal war between us. Anyways – I was sitting with some friends and we ended up discussing our political philosophies – which is like totally weird and out of character for us. And I have just realized that I am unsure as to whether I am, or am not, a libertarian.

And now you ask – what the hell is a libertarian? What is libertarianism?

I\’m not going to claim that I can fully describe libertarianism, but here is my attempt at a brief sketch.

Libertarianism is a not a single idea. It is a constellation of political and philosophical ideas centered around the notions that personal freedom of action is paramount, and that government should be minimized or eliminated. There are many different variations of libertarianism, and not all libertarians agree on everything.

In general, libertarians stress the notion of individual liberty, and argue that governments interfere with that liberty through taxation and regulation. In general, libertarians argue that any action should be permitted except the use of force, and they argue that government actions such as taxation only work because they are backed by force. In general, libertarians believe strongly in private property rights and in rights of contract.

The basic moral premise of libertarianism is as follows: Every human has a right to life and property, and the initiation of force in violation of these rights is wrong. This is very simple. It tells us that theft, murder, and rape are evils that violate another’s natural right to life and property. However, taking a closer look at this moral premise shows that the government commits some of these acts. Any action the government takes has a moral purpose because whoever is behind that action believes it is the right thing to do. Taxation, since it involves the government, is the initiation of force against human beings to take their money. Thus the essence of taxation is theft. The morality of taxation states it is right to steal a man’s money, which he has worked to earn, then use it as the thief sees fit.

See – libertarianism, you might say, is a form of anarchy. And I, insofar as anything can be said about my personal philosophies and beliefs, am an anarchist. And that is a realization that i have only come to grasp very recently. A couple of months ago, if you had asked me what an anarchist was, I\’d give you the example of a angry young man throwing a Molotov cocktail at a police line. Now, I\’d give something less demonstrative, yet more accurate all the same.

So if to be a libertarian is to be an anarchist, then yes, I am a libertarian. This, however, is flawed reasoning. It makes little sense at all. See – I could write more about this, but laziness is part of my character.

What should you conclude from this meaningless discussion? Simply this…the things I do when I should be partying sometimes defies explanation.

2 comments May 17, 2009

Why, Why and Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why don\’t we ever hear father-in-law jokes?

Why?

2 comments May 15, 2009

How To Wash A Toilet

How to wash a toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a \’power-wash\’ and rinse\’.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

1 comment May 15, 2009

Sisters

There is a species of living creatures that dwells right in my home. These creatures are known for sneaking into your room and rummaging through your stuff to steal anything that catches their eye – like magpies. These creatures are also known for telling your father your deepest darkest secrets simply to spite you. They will hurt you to get back at you. They are, in a nutshell; Mean; Cruel; Deceiving; Jerks. They roam in solitude and in packs of two.

These creatures are known as…sisters.

Allow me to demonstrate the perfidy of these creatures…

Those of you who have grown up without sisters will not know how to relate to this dilemma of having sisters. Two sisters. Two creatures – although that is a slander. The reason why my two sisters cannot be said to be close to the animal kingdom is because the animal kingdom would get up and walk away.

Running the risk of sounding really emotional and soppy, I think the appropriate word should be, I have to say that it\’s cool to have sisters. Sometimes. It was the three of us and Dad – united against Fatherhood. LoL. Sometimes. Because when the time comes to assign blame, they will willingly sell each other out.

I, of course, stay aloof of such antics.

And the fights we have are simply…amazing. Hair pulling, screaming, yelling, pinching, kicking, slapping (oh yes), crying – I\’m 19, she\’s 20 and the other she is 17 and we still fight. These are b1+che5 who will steal your underwear and clothes and shoes and jewellery. They are pure…evil. Well, not evil in the sense that Hitler was evil. But evil in the sense that the rat that has just made a mess in your kitchen is evil – it\’s in their nature; and they are naturally ratty.

So behold – the three \’Bratz\’, as Dad so fondly calls us ever since the \’Bratz\’ dolls came out. This is the same man who will, to humiliate you, sing and CONTINUE singing \’Disco Stick\’ even when he knows what it means. Picture has been edited to protect the guilty.

2 comments May 11, 2009